I have transits this week and in the coming weeks that deal with Neptune, the moon, and Venus. In EMC we have started doing weekly spellwork to increase our intimacy with our own power and to get practice doing short term spells that allow us to hone our awareness of energies. As part of my spellwork I am writing about my perceptions of emotional connections and how emotions contribute to illusions.
My definition of emotional connections are those relationships that I feel change me through my emotional ties.
The key to this spellwork is brutal honesty in my journalling. Neptune energies inspire us to rise beyond what we think and dream a new reality for ourselves. The challenge is translating the dream into reality without losing faith in the process. It's hard to reconcile within my heart the differences between the way I wish the world were and the way it is. But that reconciliation requires honesty on my part to filter out my own outdated and unwanted prejudices born from emotional trauma. In short, if I keep holding onto the pain, it continues to define me.
When I first meet people I expect them to find me boring. I don't see myself as someone amazing or worthy of anyone's attention. There are a dozen Jungian explanations for this perception, but they don't provide real, tactical solutions for how to balance it out. The truth is I'm quite the opposite of boring. Yet, my illusion is that I am boring. This illusion colors my interaction with people that I have an emotional connection with, by pushing me to view my relationship with them as dependent upon their vision of my "entertainment factor". Since I always think I'm boring, and having a Gemini moon means I equate boring with completely valueless, I allow myself to become dependent on those that I love for their validation that I am interesting. This creates resentment, and so on.
The goal of my spellwork this week is to balance my perceptions, erase my illusions, and free myself of the pains that they cause so that I can open myself up to the love and support that is all around me. I tend to qualify positive feedback in my head as it relates to being facinating, interesting, unusual. etc.
I want to just accept it, encorporate it into my perception of myself, and trust it.
The magick at work here is the heartfelt desire to see myself through the eyes of love. For a woman who has Pluto, Mars, and Uranus conjunct in her 4th house and Saturn conjunct Chiron in her 10th there is not alot of security in childhood and parental relationships. My entire childhood was about change, and that leads to all kinds of unbalanced perceptions about myself and my own value. Love is really the most powerful force for healing, and in healing illusions I must forgive myself for being imbalanced first. I must forgive myself for falling prey to my fears instead of facing them and working to love myself to heal.
The illusion is that I'm boring. This leads to over acting, over dramatizing, and being overly tolerant of others who are he same way. These behaviors steal energy and attention from others who may not have the courage or the desire to be center stage.
The truth is that I'm not boring at all, in fact I'm quite interesting for people who find people like me interesting. But not everyone does, and nor should I expect that everyone will. Current Pluto transits are helping me embrace deep truths with courage because I believe that they lead to balanced inner power. My inner power and love grows as I grow to accept that I love myself more as the unique woman that I am, and have no need for sensationalizing my life. I am more than just entertainment value, I am a whole person who needs to accept that I am lovable when I'm not entertaining.
The real challenge in all of this is that illusions are very powerful, for the feed off of my fears. Thus I am amazingly good at entertaining, because these illusions have been around for a LONG time. I get alot of positive feedback when I'm entertaining, and it's hard not to fall into the addictive cycle that feeds the fears. The key is remembering that illusions only feed me illusionary food. It's all in the moment, its not real. And having attention from the people who really love me, attention that is born out of that real love instead of being entertaining, is what I really want. I don't want illusionary love and adoration, I want real love. And real love hates it when I succumb to the entertainment demon.
The deep emotional connections that I have suffer when I feed the illusion of being boring. They suffer because my precious power is given away to people who don't know me well enough to know my true value. I waste my power and my attention on people who haven't earned it when I feed the boring demon.
Freedom from illusion comes in allowing the painful illusion to be voiced, and thus released. Then a counter illusion must be created in order to replace the destructive one. In this case, the balancing illusion is the dream of being welcomed, loved, and held precious just for being me. No fast jokes, no endlessly entertaining stories, no long dialogs about astrology, the tarot, or spirit mediumship. Just me.
And when I create that image, I feed that image with my love and faith, the change happens.
Soon, I will be free of the boring demon. And those that I love will feel the warmth of my attention and care more often and more completely... as it should be. And social situations will be fun, exciting, and rewarding instead of torturous hours spent waiting for the laugh, waiting for the smile, waiting for the approval that I am indeed interesting.
Namaste.
