Turn away, for this is too true.

Let it be said that no man without a strong spirit has loved a witch.

Then, too, let it be said that only men who are strong in the spirit of the real God's will seek out only those some who are declared in spirit and soul that which is called a wise woman... that which is called a witch.

oh. and it is too true.

raw and unpleasant for those whose skin is too thin to honor the season of the witch, let it be known that no man may put asunder the spirit of the woman who is known to the Goddess.

Learning to love yourself...

I am someone who tends to listen to my inner critic first, and the other guides and opinions later. If my inner critic has something to say, I'm usually half-way into listening to it before I realize that it may be over-reacting to a situation and not necessarily looking at me as a whole person.

Whether it's because my mother's generation felt that mothering included a healthy dose of criticism, or because I didn't have a relationship with my birth father.. or because I was born with some untended Karma.. I don't know. But I do know that getting older made me face up to the fact that I was not good at loving myself at all. So I started to learn. In places like this:
http://www.attractionmindmap.com/how-to-love-yourself-in-17-ways/

http://kalimunro.com/tips_self-love.html

Loving oneself is about slowly, step by step, learning to listen to the critic inside and then ask her or him to be quiet. Learning to love oneself is making choices and allowing the outcomes to be what they are instead of sitting on pins and needles hoping that they turn out a certain way because that will indicate that you're OK.

Love isn't an emotion that comes with judgement.
Love doesn't make people feel less-than, small, or insignificant.
If the people in your life made you feel that way, then that was their problem not yours....
...
but how do you remember that when you're in the MIDDLE of feeling foolish, overly dramatic, or unprepared for some situation where you are desperately hoping for a clue?

I take a step back. And I breathe. I give myself a certain amount of time to process the feelings and then I ask my inner critic why she's being so hard on me. Then I listen. Most of the time she's trying to help me avoid disappointment. But when she goes unchecked, she runs amok... and she sucks all the joy out of live and leaves me feeling empty and hopeless.

So she needs to be quelled. I am not serving anyone, nor myself, when I spend a disproportionate amount of time feeling sad, down, disappointed.

I think I just came to a point where I was fed up with trying to be perfect.
I was fed up with some unreal, fake, plastic, media created image of a mother, wife, etc that just didn't seem like it left any room for love, creativity, and humanity.
So I put my inner critic on probation. And she's been there ever since.

She's allowed to voice her opinion, but she knows that I'm not going to listen to her if she carries on for more than a few minutes, or if she criticizes me more than once or twice a day.

And that's how I"m learning to love myself...

Letting go of the pain.. dancing with the dark.

The paths through the forest of spiritual development wind and turn. There is no straight path in my experience. While we may cry, rage, and whine against this reality - it doesn't change it. We cannot predict where we will be at any stage of our development, and in the long run this is an essential piece of the process.

Letting go of the pain and frustration is a tough skill to learn. Everyone one of us has a bit of Scorpio in us, that dark part of bitter pain that acts as both a seed for change and a poison that infects some of our work. Scorpio is the sign of death and transformation, this energy is critical to spirtual evolution. Scorpios are known to remember pains or betrayals long after others have forgotten them. Though they aren't all this way, this general perspective represents a truth about humanity in general: we don't learn to dance with the dark very well. The gift of Scorpio energies is just that: they dance with the darkness.

By dancing I mean that Scorpio represents the edge of creation that is directly preceeded by destruction. In short, we die in this moment to become what we are in the next one. Too often this truth is ignored in our rush for enlightenment. We want the process to be one of divine bliss, unfolding in layer upon layer of orgasmic love that heals all wounds and proves to us in no uncertain terms that we are sacred. OK.. gimme a break, will you?

Dancing with the darkness involves letting the pain go, letting it do it's work and then letting it go. It involves going all the way INTO the pain and then letting go and evolving like a butterfly in chrysalis. We cannot be ALL things all the time, no matter how passionately we cling to that desire. The darkness is a part of us, the pain will come again and again. Holding onto the pain only eclipses the joy and the bliss that follows as our new self is born.

I dance with the darkness more and more these days. I embrace the gift of Scorpio and her loving kiss of transformation, even as I see how much more work I have to do. I am sometimes depressed and discouraged because I feel as though I have travelled far, and the road curves ahead so I cannot see how far I have to go.... but in the end it's not the destination - it's the journey that molds us into the blissful beings we hope to become.

The pain has taught me that love runs deeper than any pain can reach.
The pain has taught me that my truth is just as important as anyone else's and it must be heard.
The pain has taught me to protect myself and to value myself as a sacred being.
The pain has taught me that the limits of being human are as much a beautiful thing as the limits of being a sunrise, of being a water fall, or of being a whisp of smoke that rises into the sky.

The release has taught me hope and faith.
The release has taught me the ecstacy of letting go and flowing with the energies.
The release has taught me how loving the Gods and Goddesses can be when we commune with them through the release.

Fear nurses on pain, it lives and thrives on pain. It starves and dies in the moment when we release and are caught in the loving embrace of our own divine existence yet one more time.

Let go, dance with the darkness.. but not dance in the darkness.

Of tradition and adventure, of old and new

"if what you seek you do not find within, you will not find it without."

Nearly every religion has some form of the above phrase in its teachings. Lately I have been challenged to find sunny energy and hope within, because I cannot find it without. I used to rely on traditions as a form of measurement, and adventure was my way of finding new traditions. I would explore new cultures, rituals, and the like to find experiences that made me happy -- and then turn them into traditions.

However, this rainy summer has brought me the realization that traditions for tradition's sake holds no hope. Empty rituals are just that: empty.

How then, does someone who has spent more than a decade learning about rituals and their power create new rituals that have life and hope in them? This is a common challenge that other HPs have faced in their lives.

Life isn't a movie, and those of us who are walking the path of service to the Gods do not always come forth in long, flowing black robes -- eternally mystical and powerful. Sometimes we just don't want to come forth! We too struggle with the challenges of old traditions no longer filling our hearts, and new ones refusing to surface to replace them.

What do we do then, when our fires run low and the thought of writing one more ritual makes us want to curl up and sleep for a month?

It's fairly simple, to be honest, we stop pushing ourselves to create and allow the creation to find us.

Tradition is a good foundation to build upon, but new creations demand to be brought forth. Adventure is a thrilling proposition, but it holds no value without some tie to traditions that are comforting and familiar. The old ways give us guidance and wisdom on how to proceed toward the new.

Thus I seek within the fires of hope and optimism that the sun brings as I work to write a ritual for Litha, and I hope that the spark of the divine finds me to ensure that I am nurtured once again.

Take long strokes, and relish the experience?

Throughout my journey, I have experienced lesson after lesson in how my perceptions of a given person or action are totally different from year to year. Having my moon in my 12th house makes me blind to some of the more simple-linear relationships and leaves me feeling a bit lost in the woods where my emotional ties are concerned.

Now we are nearing the end of a Mercury Retrograde cycle that crossed over my 12th house so I was given vision into the inner machinery of how my perceptions are formed. It has been time well spent, but in the end I'm afraid that knowing how my perceptions are formed does little for actually alleviating the pain of adjustment when I've trusted someone too much for my own good... or allowed someone to run roughshod over my feelings too long.

Though I admit to not being entirely sure of why I allow people to be so uncaring toward me, one thing I am sure of is that I am enraged at a deep level when I realize how long someone will go on doing that without stopping to ask if their rude or selfish behavior is offensive or hurtful to me. Of course, logically I realize that they're probably not seeing what they're doing as rude or offensive... but at some point I must have betrayed my feelings on my face, right? I mean I've been told dozens of times how terrible a liar I am because my emotions are so readily visible in my expressions. So.. if that is the case, then am I to assume that the others who hurt me just don't care enough about me to bother asking?

It is an interesting paradox. Because I tend to do things alone, and I have done so for most of my life. Early on in my life I thought that there was something wrong with me, then later I realized that there are other people who just "do things alone". I am not sure if we all do them alone for the same reasons, but in reviewing the lessons learned during this past Mercury Retrograde I am gathering that I don't care why other people do it... only that they do.

So... alone, with a Gemini moon... isn't a fun place to be. Gemini is the astrological sign of pairing, of sharing and connecting.. through Air signs in general tend to be more shallow in their connections than other signs... connections are still very important to them as a whole.

I carry with me this nagging feeling that the only way I will ever be surrounded by people who are genuinely loving and spiritually satisfying for me is when I die. The living are too frail and fractured to endure that level of commitment to the truth and to loving another person for any extended period of time -- save their children. I hope I'm wrong though, you know?

I hope that I meet someone who I can be friends with at a good, hearty level of emotional clarity. You know? I hope that this friend teaches me that my penchant for doing things alone is just a habit that has gone too far one direction and needs to come back to center more. *laugh*

I've had friends like that in the past...
I have had friends who were emotionally aware and present....
I have had friends that made every stupid activity that we did together more fun just because they were there.

But they tend to leave after about a year.
Not through anything that either of us did consciously, but because life takes them in a different direction (I.E. they move).

Yes... the astrologers out there would clearly state that this is my lot in life considering the stellium of planets that I have in Virgo in my 4th house -- Pluto, Uranus, and Mars. Yes.. I connect deeply, and then the wheel turns and the connections serve to teach me a lesson and I move on (or they do).

Though I'm also told that with this particular recipe of energy I am also gifted with wisdom from the pain of loss... I am told that I understand and respect the pain of deep loss and how it can change a person and make them more slow to commit... *chuckle*

Oh.. what if all of this is just guilty rationalization and I'm just a misanthropic bitch? *laugh*

Cozy, comfortable, and stagnant.....

As a grown up I feel like if I learned my lesson then I should get credit for it. Yet, in practice I find that this isn't how life tends to go. When I work hard for something, I expect to be able to relax and enjoy the feeling of having accomplished a goal... yet that turns out to be the result 1 out of every 4 times that I work hard. The first three times I am learning, and thus I have no reward at the end of my hard work other than knowing that I learned more... that really doesn't give me the cozy feeling. Should it?

I make this note to myself today because I'm doing magick to be more connected with the spirit world and learn more from my ancestors. I want them to help me understand why life isn't filled with more cozy moments of relaxation than it is... specifically MY life. Am I unconsciously choosing scenarios that I'm unprepared for which is creating this 25/75 success to fail ratio? *laugh* That isn't good.

In learning and growing spiritually I have always used the astrological wheel as a guideline to identify the point where comfort *should* be coming. In the first six houses of an astrological wheel, we are learning from the world - evolving. In the second six houses we are taking what we've learned and sharing it with the world. I tend to believe that comfort arrives somewhere between the end of the 9th house and the beginning of the 10th house (hence the 10th house's association with destiny). So in looking at why my life doesn't have more cozy moments, I am wondering: did I judge my distances wrong and set my sights too high in terms of when I should expect to feel comfortable? In short: am I shooting for the Moon and being unrealistic about where I am in relation to that goal?

My mother used to tell me that she was envious of people who were genuinely happy with a simple life. I think the key to this is understanding HOW they were happy.... and defining happiness for myself rather than constantly comparing notes with other people (authors, teachers, gurus, etc). The distance to MY moon is different from everyone else's.

In the end, I think I am happiest when I'm right on the verge of being comfortable. I'm happy in the space between knowing something and mastering it. Yet, oddly I'm only peaceful once I've mastered something. My life's spiritual goal has been very Capricornian in nature: get to the top of my mountain and ensure that I have done much work to assure my place there is secure. Why then do I spend so much time hovering on the edge of mastery? Maybe that is the definition of being a master --> never resting completely, because that would be considered stagnation? Maybe this is what makes a master: the endless flow toward the edge of mastering something but never quite getting there because everything is changing.. the wheel is turning, we are evolving, thus the journey toward mastery is an endless ride of 25/75 success to fail ratios that are eventually ignored because the peace comes in enjoying the journey rather than waiting for the cozy moments of relaxation.

Dreaming of Monkeys....

I had the most amazing dream last night. I was on a spiritual sabbatical in caves in a desert land. There were about a dozen other students in this program with me where we learned everything about magick that was possible: dream guidance, herbalism, healing, spellwork, spirit communication, clairvoyance... it was all there.

I completed the program and as part of the final stage I needed a specific spell that was written in hieroglyphics with a pouch of leaves. I was to use the leaves to chew on (like tobacco) and study the symbols in the spell while the chemicals of the leaves flowed in my bloodstream. This was supposed to teach me my path and what my gift to the Gods and the world would be upon my leaving the program.

Just as the teacher came in with my pouch (they only gave out one at a time to the student who was ready to leave), a tall and pretty girl, who was the typical "popular bitch" from everyone's high school experience, came in and grabbed the pouch out of the teacher's hand and laughed as she said "HA! This is mine now!" I was enraged.

In anger and hurt I ran out of the caves and into the sacred well area where the cave mouths opened out onto a series of cliff edges that spiralled up and down. as I sat at the mouth of a cave looking up at the evening sky I noticed a white baboon sitting about 50 ft above me under a small waterfall. He was smiling and humming to himself as he munched on fruit.

As I watched him my anger dissipated and I smiled as well. He spoke to me without looking at me and asked "Why do you think you need that pouch to be a magician"?
"Because that is the last piece to this training, without it my training is incomplete." I answered.
"What do you think we did before someone created those little pouches with the spell on the inside?" he asked me.
"I don't know," I answered. " What did you do?"
" Well, we measured the leaves ourselves, and the spells were given to us by the Gods and the spirits. What I want to know is why you would choose to rely upon someone else's work when you can create the whole thing yourself?" He said as he smiled up at the pink and purple sky of an evening sunset.
I closed my eyes and sat with his words for a while, and marveled at how narrow minded i had been assuming that without the pouch I was useless. My anger was more at the how little control I felt I had over that horrible woman who stole my pouch, but after he explained it I realized that I had given my power away the second she tried to take it from me.
When I opened my eyes the white baboon was right in front of me, smiling. It would have been a terrifying image to see up close if it wasn't for the deep loving energy that he projected and the wisdom in his eyes.
He chuckled to himself because I jumped a little when I opened my eyes and saw him there. Then he said "If I give you the spell, will you get the herbs yourself and work the magick?"
I nodded.
Then he said " Go and find the herbs, I'll be here when you get back."
So I got up and walked back into the cave. And the master teacher was there, sitting peacefully by a fire. He looked up at me when I walked in and said "I am sorry that you lost your pouch."
I smiled at him and said " It's all right, I don't need it anymore."
When he heard that, he looked shocked for a minute. His expression slowly changed from shock to pleasant understanding.
"You have found a way, haven't you?" He asked. I nodded.
"Yes, we have the leaves, we use them for all kinds of spells." He said. Then he paused and pointed to a wooden shelf along the cave wall, and continued, "There is a big pickle jar full of them over there on the shelf." On hearing that I walked toward the shelf, intent on getting leaves for my spell and going back to the baboon.
Then he warned me, "But you must measure the exact right amount for the final spell."
I took the jar off the wall, and reached inside and pulled out a few fingerfuls of the leaves and looked at them in the palm of my hand. I wondered if I could guess how much of the herb I needed from the size of the pouch that master had brought in hours before. Then I remembered what the baboon asked me:"why would you choose to rely upon someone else's work when you can create the whole thing yourself?". I closed my eyes, felt the leaves between my fingers and rolled them around in my palm. I held my hand over the open mouth of the jar and let some of the leaves fall back into it, and with my eyes still closed felt the weight of the leaves in my hand. It felt right, so I poured the leaves into a small square of paper laying on the shelf, and folded it up.
As I started to walk back out of the cave I noticed that the white baboon had walked into the cave and was sitting on a ledge looking at the rest of the students seated in a circle, discussing lessons. He was smiling at them and seemed happy to see so many people learning together.
One of the students looked up at me, then followed my focus and saw the baboon sitting on the ledge. She shrieked and jumped up, pointing at him. All the other students stood up just as quickly, sending books and papers falling to a jumbled pile on the floor.
A male student picked up a rock and threw it at the baboon. I suddenly realized that they didn't see him the same way that I did and were intent on hurting him. I ran down the small slope toward the ledge where he was sitting and climbed up to put my body between his and the other students.
They shouted at me to move, and threw rocks to scare me off the ledge. I was full of emotions: shock that they would hurt me to get to him, sad because they couldn't see the wisdom in his eyes, worried for his welfare, anxious to get him out of the cave and away from the enraged and frightened students.
From behind me, the baboon said,"What makes you think I'm in danger?"
I turned slightly and looked at him in shock, and then saw him smiling at me.
I realized that again he taught me to stop and examine a situation before I reacted and assumed that my initial perception was the right one.

He jumped down off the ledge, and casually strutted back out onto his ledge at the mouth of the cave. The students shouted behind him and threw rocks, which all fell short of hitting him by feet. I jumped down and followed him out of the cave, dodging rocks as they came in.

Once outside, the night sky was bright blue with millions of stars. In the nights before this one I felt like a small child wrapped in a magick blanket under that sky. Now I felt more like an adventurer whose map was laid out before her in white dots against a blue background. While I stared up at the sky, the baboon asked me "Since you have your leaves, are you ready to learn the spell?"

I pulled my gaze away from the sky that seemed to be calling me to read more and learn more, and looked down into his eyes. He was smiling, still. I was amazed at how peaceful he was, no matter what happened around him he was always smiling. I nodded at him, and sat down in the loose dirt and sand.

He extended a long finger and began to draw swirls and symbols in the dirt. He motioned for me to put the leaves into my mouth and let them dampen with my saliva. He continued to draw, and as he did the herbs started to work on my senses. I began to hear the stars whispering, and the swirls and designs in the dirt moved in front of my eyes. They danced and morphed back and forth between being hard symbols and dancing images of Kokopelli, jackals, and snakes all mocking me and luring me to listen to their trickster words.

I looked up from the symbols in the dirt, and the baboon was gone. He had climbed back up the cliff walls and was now disappearing over the top edge of our mountain. For a moment I was scared without him there to reassure me throughout this journey, then I realized that if I needed him, he'd be there. So I must be ready to make the journey on my own.

I looked back down into the dirt, and the symbols had faded back to the spells original form. And I closed my eyes and saw a setting sun on the ocean, heard a man's voice in my ear singing, and smelled the warm-sweet smell of curried food cooking.

Right before I woke up, I heard the voice say: " There is no single answer, there is only the open heart that takes each step of the journey and allows the moment to unfold before them."

Namaste ~ Let the journey begin with an open heart.

Old woman, old woman, will u do my washing?

The Deaf Woman's Courtship.

Old woman, Old woman will you do my washing?

Speak a little louder sir, I'm very hard of hearing.

Old woman, old woman, will you do my ironing?

Speak a little louder sir, I'm very hard of hearing.

Old woman, old woman, can I come a-courtin'?

Speak a little louder sir, I think I almost heard you.

Old woman, old woman why don't we get married?

Oh my goodness, mercy sakes! Now I really heard you!

These are the lyrics to an old Apalachian folk song. They teach that we hear what we want to hear, and tend to NOT hear what we don't want to hear. It is a gentle, loving reminder that all of us have the tendency to not register things that aren't pleasant or that we want to ignore.

Mercury goes retrograde on the 8th, in Gemini. Mercury is the ruling planet of the sign of Gemini, and they both represent the energies of communication, mundane (daily) tasks, and short distance travel (around town).

With Venus and Mars conjunct in Aries, and square a retrograde Pluto there are also energies that are milling around boundaries, power, and forging ahead... READ: Antsy energies.

I posted the lyrics to the song because there is great power in simple verse that makes people smile while reminding all of us that we are bound by a great equalizer: humanity. So through this equalizer, we learn that we don't always hear what was said, we don't always say what we mean, and as such we must smile and try again.

Who's Dream is This?

In my mind's eye I keep seeing a house with beautiful, hard wood floors that are shiny. They reflect the twinkle lights that adorn the bannister of a long stair case, the red velvet ribbons, and a string of gold and silver beads that are woven into lush green garland. I hear jazz holiday music in the background, and when I look around the corner of a double doorway into a living room there is a huge tree with packages under it that are wrapped in silver and gold wrapping with big bows on them all.

The house smells of baking turkey, and the kitchen is full of people who are each working on part of a big meal. In another room I can hear a chorus of cheers as some sports team scores, followed by laughter.

I stand in the hallway of the first floor of this house, it's warm inside and it's snowing outside. I feel the energy, a bit of tension here and there which is a natural part of life, but also alot of love. Everyone who is here together WANTS to be here. They all love each other to varying degrees. Each of them struggles from time to time to declare their own independence and individuality, but no so much that they'd ever be unwelcome in this place. Everyone knows that everyone else is at a different stage of life, but somehow we're all together and happy no matter what stage we're at.

I hear dog nails on the floor, and a big fluffy dog waddles around the corner from the kitchen where it's been patiently waiting for crumbs to fall. He comes and sits down next to me as I sit down on the bottom of a long staircase. I wonder if anyone else adores this feeling as much as I do. I wonder if anyone else even notices how much the energy changes, thickens, and settles on all of us like a warm blanket of protection when we're together.

I hear a little voice, a little girl's voice asking for something sweet. I realize that no one is really paying attention to JUST her, but instead we are all kind of watching her together. Since I'm not cooking right now, I start to get up and go to her to give her some attention. She gets what she asked for and runs off to play with the other kids in the house. They're older than she is, but they don't mind her being here. She's part of the family and as such can come and play with everyone else.

I hear a car in the driveway, struggling to get up the hill a little, skidding. It stops and then tries again and this time getting up to the top of the driveway and parking. I hear the men in the other room shout as they realize who is in the car, and they all leave the game and run out into the snow to greet the person in the car. He hasn't been home in a few years, and when he comes home like this, he makes everything more fun for the guys. They'll be up in the den all night now, drinking and telling stories. In the morning, the women will come downstairs to start making breakfast for all of these people, and they'll all be snoring away until Noon.

I will be out in town tomorrow, shopping for more supplies because we don't have refridgerator space to stock up for this many people. There is nothing like the feeling of shopping for food for your house when you know it's full of people who will all be sitting down eating together. Tomorrow night's meal will be something special, because my husband ordered a special cut of beef that has been marinating for two days.

I feel whole, alive, and connected. I feel like I am successful but in a way that can't be measured by tangible things, but more through the smiles that I see, the resting faces that I see at the end of a good meal, and the tender gestures and words that each person exchanges with each other when they think that no one is watching.

Is this my future? Or some past that I've inherited from someone else who never got this but wanted it so badly that they passed it on to me? As I pass through a time when my Mercury is opposed by Neptune, I wonder how much of what I'm seeing and feeling is coming through the veils, and how much of it is my connection with my higher self.

Of Frogs and Rabbits..

We hear frogs and it is a sign of spring.
Some say that the song of the frog brings rain, others that frogs are the bearers of healing energies.
We see rabbits and the essence of spring settles over us. Their silent entry into an open field seems like a natural ballet between the fiery energies of survival and growth and the chaos of an open universe making room for an expansive dance to ensue.

I notice the energies of the seasons more and more every year. I am comforted by them as I feel more deeply and recover more slowly from deeply emotional experiences. The turning of the wheel is the metaphor for how a witch sees the progression of time and the earth's changes that ensue. It is also a symbol for how humans are affected by what each of these seasons represents. Spring is a rising of energy, warmth, and hope. Our focus changes and turns to the things inspired by frogs and rabbits. We "sing" for the rains to come and water in our seeds, for the sun to rise earlier every day so we have more natural light to cheer our hearts, and for the quiet of a warm night to embrace us at the end of hard day of work. Like rabbits we creep out into the wide expanse of the universe looking and listening for signs to go ahead, listening for signs that our path ahead is safe and clear.

Of frogs and rabbits, of singers and listeners, of spring and the passing of winter I write and I celebrate. For no one place on the wheel is more sacred than another, but no one place is as hopeful and full of wonder as the time of frogs and rabbits, the time of spring.

Getting on the road of life...

I notice that as I grow older, I tend to avoid certain stretches of the road. To clearly define this metaphor: the road of life is the place where our daily activities take place from when we get up to when we finally fall asleep.

I notice that there are patches of the road that I tend to avoid without really even pondering what I'm missing. Last night's un-game with the Sox taught me that.

As I sat in a rainy Fenway stadium in a plastic bag with Red Sox logos on it I realized that happiness is about what is perceived and nurtured in a situation rather than anything else. I was damp, cold, and happy even though NO game was going on, and it didn't look like one was going to happen.

The reason I avoid these areas of the road is that I have convinced myself that the trouble that it takes to go over them isn't worth the experiences that lie within that time. I am wrong in that... there are great experiences on those patches of road even though they're rough.

Being wet, drinking coffee, and talking about the Red Sox in Fenway Stadium is an experience that I will remember for a long time. Mostly because I loved being around all those people who love baseball, who didn't care that we were getting soaked, and who WANTED to see the Sox play. I felt like we had better things to focus on than whether or not we were in the rain, and it felt good.

So my lesson this week is to re-examine the parts of the road in my daily life that I avoid and see if there are other good experiences in there to learn.

Ashe Mercury.

Venus Retrograde, and how magick changes us...

Venus is the planet in our natal charts that indicates how we relate to loving relationships, but also how we view beauty and the other experiences in our lives that "feed our hearts".

With Venus being retrograde the energies "above" (from the phrase: as above, so below) are supportive of our working on our inner truths around beauty, love, and nurturing our hearts.

For example: I tend to allow alot of things to go by me for the sake of not being judged as being high maintenance. One of the little things that bothers me is when my family drinks out of cans or bottles instead of glasses. Now, in the grand scheme of things that is a *very small* issue. But during Venus retrograde I noticed how many *small issues* were being overlooked and how it was making me feel about my immediate world. So I spoke up and asked them to try to use glasses.

This kind of thing exemplifies how Venus Retrograde can affect our relationships, our daily lives, and our views of ourselves. We have a great opportunity right now to note the details of our lives that have stripped us of the beautiful things we could be experiencing. *more on this*

Of course, there are always dozens of other astrological energies that are at work at any given time, so focusing solely on Venus being retrograde as the cause for things happening in your life or your relationships isn't a good idea.

However, using the Venus Retrograde energies to fuel small changes, tuning the world around you to be more beautiful, and honoring your inner voice with regards to how you nurture yourself are a good investment of these energies.

We are either moved to USE these energies, or they will move us to do things with them without our permission.

Sway with me...

Love is about saving... yourself, your lover, your heart, your patience, your endless imagination. What is it about dancing with someone that you love that seems to defy all other forms of expression? Even if you're just swaying to a song that you love, there is something so intimate and powerful about being wrapped around each other and wrapped up in each other's arms moving to a beat simultaneously that makes life's troubles seem like they're a million miles away.
I read, digest, journal, and review all the pieces of life that I've taken in thus far on my path of being a woman and a Priestess and there are aspects of love that still just facinate me.

I think that is why Love is such an endless facinating subject for me. Loving ourselves, loving someone else, loving children-parents-siblings-friends.. it truly IS the most powerful force in the universe.

What else can take something that looks a little silly and mushy without music, and turn it into a powerful experience with a little music and some deep felt emotion?

What is romance when we boil it down? It is the feeling of warmth that rises in your chest when you think about how you feel around a certain person, and how that person feels when they're around you! It is about taking the simple and the mundane and turning it into an artistic expression of emotion.

Whether I am dancing, singing, or just listening to the music that reminds me of Kevin I still smile. Even if I'm angry at him, wish he lived miles away from me, or am dreading going home to deal with him -- I can listen to certain music and remember dancing with him and smiling so much that my face hurt. I can remember the look in his eyes when he was coaxing me out onto a dance floor as an expression of how much he loves me, a little mischevious, a little loving, and always fun.

So I save... I save my best energy for our times together.
I save my best words and my most creative self for the projects that we do together.
I save the precious, tenderest parts of my secret joys for him to see and experience.
Love is about saving, it's about sharing what you want with others.. but saving the best for that one person who makes you feel like whatever you are, however you are, you are the most valuable person in the world to them.

Magick flows like water following our emotions, feeling our way through the winding paths of darkened woods that are the days and nights of our lives.. love gives us courage to keep going and to face the untold dangers that we imagine to be right around every corner. Magick is love, and love is magick.. magick for yourself is echoed your love for yourself, magick for others is echoed in the love that you feel for them or for those who are sacred to them, and magick for the world is service to the Gods via serving humanity.

But remember, that you are the sacred vessel of magick and thus are always deserving of pleasure and love yourself so save the best for yourself to ensure that you are always in the best possible state.

Don't be afraid of the endings...

Look to the sky, dear one, for it holds the secrets and dreams of all who have gone before you.
Look to the sea, dear one, for it holds the fears and the fame of all who have yet to come.
Look to the darkness, dear one, for it holds the mysteries of the ages wrapped in a cloak of love.
Look to the light, dear one, for it holds the endless joy that only your heart can know.

Walking the path of a priestess is never easy, but it is always good. When we measure the value of our work through the eyes of another, we will always fall short. But when we stop to remember that this is our choice and not anybody else's, then the ecstacy of being one with the stars is very clear.

Freedom is made of the warp of steps taken to find one's inner voice, and it is defended in the weft of steps taken from the cliffside that wraps the ocean in it's arms of stone.

So much of my work has been about finding those cliffs, about seeing the choices as defining moments for myself and nothing else. Now I sit in in the peace of knowing that I am not the gilded lady held fast by the stone wall of her fears in a lovely garden of lies. I sit naked, on the wet floor of a sea cave, shivering and happy that the spirits of my ancestors have blessed me with their wisdom and I've been chosen to be one of the voices of love that teaches hearts to look inward and take those steps off of those cliffsides.

An old friend of mine used to remind me "When you're falling, point your toes." It was her way to let me know that sometimes falling isn't what we expect it be: full of pain. Sometimes falling is the result of stepping off, and it's all part of the process of honoring endings.

My little moon in Gemini cuddled in it's 12th house finds solace in the voices of the dead rather than the living. For its tie to them was created before I was born. But that makes dealing with the living all the more difficult, because the living tend to be speaking from a fearful heart more often than not. The dead have little to fear for they have taken that final step off of the cliff and fallen into the final freedom from want, freedom from judgement, freedom from loss. They smile with me now, and remind me to be patient with the living for their hearts are still learning to fly.

Into the distance, a ribbon of black
Stretched to the point of no turning back
A flight of fancy on a windswept field
Standing alone my senses reeled

A fatal attraction is holding me fast, how
Can I escape this irresistible grasp?
Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted Just an earth-bound misfit, I

Ice is forming on the tips of my wings
Unheeded warnings, I thought I thought of everything
No navigator to guide my way home
Unladened, empty and turned to stone

A soul in tension that's learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I

Above the planet on a wing and a prayer,
My grubby halo, a vapour trail in the empty air,
Across the clouds I see my shadow fly
Out of the corner of my watering eye
A dream unthreatened by the morning light
Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night

There's no sensation to compare with this
Suspended animation, A state of bliss
Can't keep my mind from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earth-bound misfit, I

"Love is like falling, and falling is like this...." ~ Ani DiFranco

For the life of me, I can never predict what magick will create. And in the weeks that followed after our Sun-Venus ritual I found that the world, the Gods, and anything else that can be attributed to magick all conspired together to bring me all kinds of joy.

Sun-Venus was in Aries, but Venus was retrograde, which means her energies were inwardly focused instead of outwardly. So the result was that people asked me to write, to teach, and to love the things I already love openly and freely.

Wow. SolVE!

The path, being challenged, and Wicca

What is it that defines the path?

“The Path” as it is often referred to, is the way in which each person learns of their own spirituality and beliefs. It is said that faith is not faith if it remains unchallenged.

The interesting thing about walking the path, is that it is by definition, a challenge. It is a path that is not recognized or accepted by the common person. It is a path that occluded by mystery and shadows. It teaches it’s lessons through pain and fear, and overcoming both.

So why would anyone want to walk “the path” as we define it in Wicca?

Maybe it is that their curiosity exceeds what is fed to them through the “easy way” of monotheistic religions?

Maybe they just want to be different from all the rest?

Maybe they feel that living a life without some kind of personal challenge just is too shallow and empty for them?

Really the reasons are too numerous to list off and probably don’t need to be listed. In the end, each person comes to the path for their own reasons. But there is a paradox to this choice…..

They don’t really want to be challenged. Before you raise your voice and challenge that statement, allow me to offer up a few reasons for that statement.

Though Wicca is an alternative religion, few people who follow it actually see it as religion. They see it as belief. They believe, and therefore that’s really all they care about. But a religion is a belief system unto itself, whether you believe in it or not. Just as each person comes to Wicca seeking answers, they are also seeking refuge from judgement. They don’t yet realize that the judgement that they are running from is within themselves. They want to believe in something that empowers them to make everything right, but in the end that requires being challenged in their belief that some “other” is wrong.

There is no right and wrong in Wicca. That is the fascinating thing about this religion. We believe that you create your own reality, and if your reality contains judgement for being different then you’ve created that reality by validating their point of view.

The challenge of Wicca comes in facing the demons that have tricked you into believing that anyone other than yourself is right. And yet we each seek, endlessly, external validation through books, articles, movies, and music that our point of view is right and that the “other” is really wrong!

The pain and the fear that you feel is self-created because you believe in it. You believe that you are hurt by someone rejecting you, you believe that you are rejectable. You believe that what you fear is scary because you feel powerless in the face of whatever that thing represents.

In the end, Wicca is all about challenge. It’s about challenging yourself to move outside your comfort zones, to listen to the most opposing view point you can find and see if you can see yourself through that viewpoint without losing one ounce of love for yourself. It’s about challenging your heart and your spirit to expand beyond where they are today and embracing what they can become.

But I find more and more that the people who seek Wicca as a religion don’t really WANT to be endlessly challenged. They want to master some sub-set of what is out there and then relax into their own pool of “see? I’m right.” Remember, there is no right and wrong in Wicca. There are only consequences of our choices. And if you believe that your choices are right, then you have faced your challenges and risen to love yourself enough to overcome them.

However, you are not done. You must continue to seek out and accept challenges in your life. This is how you feed the engine of the universal energies. Laying back and accepting the pool of “rightness” is akin to dying. Perfection is death.

So as you go off on your journey to discover and label these shadows, as you fall into bed every night and assume that you just can’t do one more thing, as you curl up and accept the hellish world that you may find yourself in remember something: you created it. So if you want to get out of it, then you need to get up and go face the challenge that is blocking your way You need to accept responsibility for putting it there, or not working hard enough to prevent it from being there… and you need to start working to remove it.

If that removal means facing fears, then so be it. If it means letting go of “rightness” in exchange for the discomfort of unknowing, then so be it.

But never, ever accept that being Wiccan is about being unchallenged and being “right”.

Happiness is something that we create on our own. Ok, I get it. The next lesson that my little Gemini moon wants to learn is HOW? *smile* Of course everyone has an answer for that, and most of them boil down to me answering that question for myself. Anyone who has struggled with the charming qualities of Gemini energy (or any kind of mutable energies in their astrological chart) knows that it's tough to get focus.

Lately, with the mid-life bearing down on me, I've come to a conclusion that is freeing: I don't need to focus! Not in the way I thought I needed to anyway. As a magickal person, I have the added benefit and burden of knowing how to translate astrological energies. This gives me the freedom to review the challenges that are being laid before me, and to collaborate with the Gods as I grow. That means that to some degree, I can trust the Gods and their lessons and not need to know the entire plan. I can focus on now, and maybe this week... and let the rest of it just float around like soap bubbles. This freeing lesson is also terrifying.

We return to the mutable energy comment from above: Uranus (the Fool card) in Pisces (similar to the 8s, 9,s and 10s in Cups) tells us that there is much to be learned from initial exploration into the energies that Pisces rules. Pisces rules the unconscious/conscious, psychic energies, and intuition. The fool stumbling into Pisces with a powerful connection to the divine can get lost, like Alice in Wonderland. That is alot what mid-life crisis feels like to me. I want to get lost and never return, but when I am forced to return I handle responsibilities with a vengeance so that they don't intrude again in my Wonderland escapades. I am cranky at anyone or anything that seeks to intrude upon this space, and then I return to the mundane and logical world and see it with a whole new point of view.

The letting go part, the part where I realize I dont' need a plan, is from Saturn in Virgo cojoining my natal Uranus, Mars, Pluto conjunction. Pluto is the easiest one to take right now, because his aims are clear. He says to me "Baby, you are a beautiful creature, and no matter is going on around you, you must learn to trust that." So I get these freaky-wild intense experiences where I feel amazingly lovable, and they are contrasted against equally intense experiences where I feel like one of the Wyrd sisters from the Disney movie Hercules. "Why, you look like a fate worse than death!". *laugh*

The letting go lesson is an interesting one when it's punctuated by Saturn transiting my natal fourth house in Virgo. He is teaching me how freedom and responsibility are interwined in an unavoidable dance. He is teaching me how good it feels to have my finances in exacting order, so that I have the freedom to fix my house, my car, and other things without worry. I am free of worry --> Thank you Saturn in Virgo.

Letting go also means letting go of fear. Fear that I'm too old, or too young. Fear that I'm not thin enough, or too thin... not pretty enough, or too pretty to be taken seriously. Mars in Virgo cojoining Saturn is helping me with this. This energy, woven into mid-life crises mode, means I'm irritated with myself everyday that I don't exercise. And when I do exercise, I treat it like I'm supposed to be doing it.. not like it's an amazing accomplishment.

I chose the image of the Naked Pagan Happy Dance to remind me that this is all part of the journey.. part of the lessons... and in the end all that matters is being happy. And since I control whether or not I am happy, I am ultimately always free to dance.

Resting during the temple climb...

When we walk the path for a while, we start to feel like we're skinning over. The freshness of new ideas, new concepts, and new lessons goes dull and we find ourselves feeling cloudy-foggy in how we proceed and keep ourselves passionate about the craft.

Some elders tell us that no one keeps their passion hot all the time, and that ebb and flow are natural. Some will tell us that daily energy exercises help to keep the fires stoked: meditation, Resh Vel Helios, Qabalistic Cross..etc.

But even when you follow advice, there are still days when it feels like still you're standing in a train station for much longer than you expected to... days when "meditation by the lakeside" is the last thing you want to do because it's boring, and days when no matter what the tarot cards say, or the astrological wheel says you feel like you're dead in the water.

This is a time to rest. Though it may be tempting to throw one more spread, find one more guided meditation, or listen to one more song about the powers of nature and the Gods... let it go. Let it go because the boredom is a sign that you are over taxed. If you have done your regular energy exercises, exercised your body regularly, journalled, and done divination regularly and you're feeling bored and frustrated then let it go.

There is a regular stride to spiritual work. We get into a mode where we feel that our success is measured by our progress and vice versa. This is not healthy.

It is not healthy because the work that is done regularly must be given rest periods to sink in... to gestate, to work it's magick. Just as a seed rests in side the earth before it germinates, or like bread is left to rest as it rises.. magickal work must rest inside your body to be as potent as it can be.

So ... when the day seems grey, your magickal items seem hollow and lack lustre, and when throwing one more tarot spread seems like a waste of time --> take a break.

Sunrise, sunset - these small hours

Our world changes from moment to moment, yet often we do not notice until something dramatic changes - leaving us breathless and imbalanced. When you disconnect from the churn and pull of have-tos in day-to-day life, the rest of the world almost pounces on you in anticipation.

Gently this beautiful creature danced into my life, full of wisdom and curiosity. Lovingly she caressed my spirit with her soft, deep voice and her soulful eyes.
We whiled away the hours together laughing and listening to each other's stories. Sharing the moments that others often miss because of shallow distractions, we connected honestly but briefly.

How do you quantify the value of a heart? How do you gather up all of the magnificence of a human being into words? The simple answer is: you don't. You cry, and laugh, and keep silent about the most sacred things that they brought to you.

Sisters in spirit means that when you sit with someone for a few moments, you can hear their spirit speaking and you know in your bones that you've met someone who can hear yours. This precious gift brings great comfort in a world full of people who are spiritually deaf to your song, or worse: don't care to stop long enough to listen.

My sister crossed over to Summerland yesterday. She was done with this lifetime and moved on to her next one.

But for one brief, shining moment she graced me with her love, and for that I feel blessed beyond measure.

Can I take a breath?

I'm having one of those weeks\months when it all comes at me so damn fast that I can't breath. I realize that the events are not happening any faster than they normally do, and that it's the relationship between my own energy patterns and the energies of the universe that change my perspective and make things SEEM like they're moving faster.
However, being a magickal being doesn't prevent me from being affected by this type of experience. It's just coming too fast.
Energetically I look to Mercury, Mars, and Neptune when this type of transition happens. There are many metaphors or metaphysical structures for working through this type of thing, astrology and the tarot work for me so I use them.
Mercury rules thought and organization - order. So I look to Mercury's current position in relation to my natal Mercury and learn what affect that brings. I do the same thing for the other planets.
Now some may ask: Why Neptune? Because Neptune rules the dream life, rules the instinctual or emotional connection that we have with our world. When we don't take our time-outs, Neptune comes in and makes us space-out and take them anyway. So when the world is coming at me too fast, it's an indication that i haven't taken my time-outs so I'm missing details.
With Mercury in Capricorn in my 8th house, and Mars entering my 9th house I am feeling as though I need to ID ever old\outdated perception and thought paradigm that is no longer serving my goals -- yet Mars is sitting squarely in the "next step" of the plan and tapping his foot saying "C'mon honey, we've got lessons to learn, information to assimilate, new things to bring into the world that is YOU and put to good use!" Oy.
Can I take a breath please? These two male-centric energies push.. cajole.. cheer, lure... charm.. challenge.. and I'm left feeling like I've been having a great conversation or great sex for days straight and I dont' care HOW good it feels - i need a freaking break!!
Enter Neptune in Aquarius. He slowly flows toward my MidHeaven... and he teases me with that warm, inviting feeling of being able to change the world. Aquarian values... there is opportunity for everyone, there is an equal playing field.. let's revolutionize our minds and explore new ideas in making the world better.. shall we? Come on my magic carpet ride and I'll take you into a future where Wiccan Priests are men who exude confidence and love in all walks of life. I'll take you into a future where all religions are welcomed, and whether or not you're a member of a minority religion or not, no one really cares.. they just want you to uphold good - strong ideals. Let me show you a future where we ostracize the small minded- destructive people who want to cut and poke at people who are different - and we glorify and idolize people who nurture the creative and innovative within us all.
Sheeeesh... I'm excited and tired at the same time.
I think I'll go meditate on that.

When to honor the cross quarters..

Today is the day when Wiccans honor the Goddess Brighid, today is the traditional day for Imbolc. It's funny to use the word traditional with a religion that was born in the 1960's. Like the last 40 yrs of Wicca have accelerated our work such that anything can be referred to as a tradition? I'm not sure.

Something that has challenged me since the beginning of my studies has been the cross quarter Sabbats. We read in many books how they are honored on X day, yet when you research what makes them cross-quarters, it's the fact that they happen 45 days from a solstice or an equinox. Uhm... but the traditional days are not always 45 days from a solstice or an equinox.

So I started counting. And I noticed that more often the cross quarters happen near a lunar event that is +-4 days from the 45 day mark. Thus, my coven and I started honoring the cross quarters on those days. Why? Because it felt more real to me than to just honor a day because someone chose it? It's hard to provide a reason for doing something in Wicca that is any more solid than any other reason. Wicca is such a new religion that compared to other religions of the world, it feels a little silly to make bold statements like "this is the traditional way of doing things." Traditional? So in the past 40 yrs there haven't been a dozen or so authors and community leaders who haven't found faults with any number of our "traditions" and modified them to suit their needs?

45 days, February 2nd, the next lunar event... there is no more justification for any of one those times to honor Brighid than any other. I like to think that the Goddess weaves her visions from a loving and creative source, and as such isn't all that upset if it's one day or the next, just as long as it happens sometime when the community feels it should.

Common sense plays a role here as well: if you want to hold a large celebration, and most of your coven members work, then they either have to take the day off... or you have to schedule it on or near a weekend so that everyone can relax and enjoy the time spent in celebration of Brighid's fire.

The overall goal of this Sabbat is to honor Brighid, the rising of the God's fires (the sun's warmth), and to gather together in a celebration of light to soothe the pyschological damages of a long, dark winter. When those things are accomplished with a deep emotional commitment, the day upon which the ritual occurs becomes less of an issue.

When the moon rises, we straddle the veils

So many people move through time asleep. Asleep compared to what is available for them to be involved in, to feel, and to experience. There is an itch that tortures anyone who opens themselves up to these experiences, but in time that itch becomes a friendly push to keep them moving through rough experiences and on to pleasant ones. Long ago, men wrote only of the things that were accepted. They wrote of how the world was the way everyone wanted it to be, but this wasn't the solution. Perpetrating a fraud doesn't get you the real deal, it only wastes time and precious energy until the day when you realize that you can no longer lie.

Now I write of what is real, even if it isn't what everyone wants to believe is real.

As the moon rises, each person who has ever been initiated steps into a world that we call "between the veils". Between the veils means that we walk between what is and what isn't. Some say it's between the material world and the spiritual world, others say it's between the living world and the world of the dead... the general belief is that it's a place where space and time are suspended and we connect with our inner selves and create a world that we desire.

As the moon rises, the spirit within us that will not allow us to lie rises too. It pushes at our skin, at our frail facade to be revealed. We stumble and fall over words and reactions that are more truthful than we like to admit. The slip of the tongue that makes us wish we hadn't said that.. the few words that we mumble thinking no one hears, but they do.. the laugh that escapes our throats at some stupid lie that another spouts.. we can't help it, we are witches.

We are the ones who chose this path, the path of raw honesty. We chose a path that makes us honor who we are inside, and pulls us back to the space between the worlds every two weeks to remind us of who that person is. We are the ones who work magick, who honor the divine dance between the Gods and their precious loves: humans. But this is the secret: we often leave the path!

One would think, that after enduring countless hours in the space between the worlds, that the spirit would guide you back everytime: like it happens in fairy tales. The spirit does, but heart is stronger, and fear is stronger yet. Fear drives the blessed ones from their paths, it pulls and twists them into a shape that disgusts them and makes them want to hide from the moon. As they become more and more twisted, they run harder and faster, and in the end they cling to a mundane world in hopes that the cries of the spirit to return will ebb and fade away. They don't.

The path is what it is: the deepest love that you can feel for yourself. We doubt that love, we wonder if we'll be strong enough to forgive ourselves for the lies and the outright deceit that we've crafted. We tremble inside as the circle calls to us, and we each secretly wish that we had some preview of what lies ahead in the space between the veils. But we don't.

We must enter the space in perfect love and perfect trust because to enter any other way would be another lie. We must return to the sacred space with faith that we are the perfect creatures that the Gods believe us to be, and open heartedly feel the forgiveness flood our bodies as the energies rise around us in chant and song.

Exhale. Yeeeeessss.. you are perfect. You are the sacred, sensual, powerful burst of love that you feel rushing into your bones and untwisting your spirit. Freed from it's cage of fear, your spirit rises above you and flies free into the night sky, ecstatic. Your spirit is the truest form of you, and it flies free in this magickal space because you had the courage to walk in with your heart open and your will ready to be released.

Be the stars.
Be the beautiful moonlight as it kisses and caresses the earth through the shadows of night.
Be the sacred dance that tickles and touches your legs and arms as you disappear into ecstatic movement!
And in the end, return to your small but precious home within yourself and be held safely and securely within it's tender flesh.

Love and writing, or is it rockets?

Echoes of laughter and tears bounce off of the images that fade as the coffee cools in front of me. Deep felt emotions zing through me and fly off into the dark sky of a cold morning. Quiet.

There are those times, you know them, that come more and more often as you grow older... when you are more connected to the world around you in a moment than you feel you ever have been. In that moment you are part of the time and space right around you, like a tree or a bird you are no longer human and tangled up in the unneeded complexity of what should be, you just are.

In those moments it seems so normal to just be what you are and create whatever you want to create, doesn't it? In those moments I am a writer, and I write whatever the universe wants created in that moment. A beautiful stream of images and emotions floods my mind and heart and words appear, banging on the inside of my eyes and crying to get out. Yet as soon as they hit the page their life seems to fade like a shooting star. I often wonder what the Gods had in mind when they made me a writer. I feel as though everyday is wasted that I don't write.. and yet there are so many days that go by without writing.
The reverie is broken by something loud usually.. usually kids or dogs who don't see the magnificent bubble of magick that I think is so obviously floating around me. They probably see my state of being as normal and wonder why I think it's so special!

Either way, I am left deflated and cold in that moment. The soap bubble of zen unity with the cosmic consciousness is broken and I'm just a mother, a wife, a manager, and a priestess again.. no longer am I the incarnation of the Gods writing to keep up with their inspirational song.

Laying there on the floor, flattened like Flat Stanley, I quietly wonder to myself if all artists endure this kind of cold, shocking ejection into the mundane world? And do they feel just as pathetic and one-dimensional when it happens as I do?

That entire experience is why I can't imagine writing for a living even though I know it's what the Gods want of me. I can't imagine ever having writing bringing the mundane into my awareness, only other things. Writing is sacred to me, and as such should be free. I will learn to integrate the freedom with the creative cycle and grow a new perspective in the coming years, but I felt it important to log where I am now --> Kind of a " YOU ARE HERE" thing that allows me to take ownership of my fears and therefore use them to organically grow a new point of view.

Inspired by a friend's lessons from Brighid, I am honoring the darkness that a seed lives in for months before it germinates. We are in darkness now.. and I'm planting a seed.

Of visions and lessons, or how to channel successfully.

It is so easy for someone to claim that they've channelled a spirit or a divine being. Who is going to argue with them? The delicate subject of whether or not someone is a freaking looney tune or whether they are actually an open channel for spirits and divine beings is a subject that most people in the magickal community want to avoid. I mean really, there are enough non-pagans who want to tear us apart for our beliefs, why would we want to turn on each other and start that?

But the truth of the matter is that we need to verify and authenticate our seers. Not in some public, process-bound, manifest way... but in a heartfelt, spiritually authentic way. In short, do you FEEL the presence of the divine or of otherworldly creatures when the seer is channeling? Or do your instincts tell you that they're consummately full of crap and creating a very well crafted act of being possessed or channeling the spiritual energy?

Those of us who have been in the presence of a true seer can FEEL the presence. The energy in the room changes. It gets very cold, or warm... you feel as though someone with a lot of personal energy has just entered the room when no one new is present... and when the seer who is channelling turns their focus to you, you feel like a small child whose teacher has just asked them a question... or someone who is suddenly aware that they're being looked at by a very attractive person.

When we start learning to channel, the biggest challenge is moving our own ego out of the way. This is why it's so important to be around people who are successful mediums beforehand. It is about feelings, and about what is left behind. As mediums or seers, we need to be aware that we are not in control nor will we be while the spirit is present. NOTE that this is drastically different from a trance medium or spirit medium who speaks to the ancestors or those who have crossed over. Those mediums work and spend years honing their craft to be able to speak FOR the dead but remain in control. A seer or prophet works to allow the divine to come through without controlling them. They must allow the God\Goddess to use their bodies, their voices.. their senses to guide the interaction with the participants.

As someone who has channeled dieties, I can tell you that it's not easy and it's frightening at times. Dieities are strong spiritual entities, they do not apologize for their words or actions, and you must learn to release any attachment that the channeling experience has to you. You are a tool, a doorway through which they speak. Nothing more. There is no glory in being a channel, the glory goes to the diety who has blessed the group with their presence. There is no power in being the channel, for the power goes to those who speak with the diety and offer their gratitude and service in exchange for wisdom, guidance, and protection.

Having Saturn in Pisces in my 10th house, and my 8th house ruled by Capricorn it took me a long time to come to channeling successfully. I constantly berated myself for every failed attempt to channel. I finally took a course from a successful spirit medium who is also a Capricorn and her tough love style of teaching guided me away from the eternal critic to a place where I could authentically and confidently channel spirits. The tools she taught me help me channel diety as well, but I'm learning that diety is much more about my emotional state than whether I WANT to channel.

Diety comes through a medium when they are called or needed. Unlike Goetic or Thelemic work where a precise and complex ritual is followed to draw the demon or angel into a space for the purpose of control, channelling diety is more about a relationship that is nurtured with a diety over time, and through that relationship an emotional bond is formed that calls the deity forth and into the medium. This is about respect and love, not command and control. I have no judgement or care for whether one way is better than the other, I see them as separate processes that each serve those who engage in them.

We work to find value in our sacrifices, we work to find wisdom in our lessons, and we are often rewarded by unpredictable results that shock and amaze us when they finally materialize.

Never doubt that a willing medium will be able to successfully channel a spirit or divine energy, but always question whether the medium is truly willing.

Bleeding hearts and magickal arts

One of the most frustrating things about studying magick is being human. By being human I refer to the limitations or ties that we have to the mortal coil. We feel, and in feeling we are made brutally aware of our own weaknesses or areas where we have NO control. WE FEEL. We can control how we react to our feelings, we can work through the feelings and heal ourselves, we can walk the path and face our fears to become more purified and strong in our hearts. But we cannot STOP feeling.

Our hearts are the purest sources of magick that we have, yet they are the most misunderstood. Our blood carries truths to our minds and we get perceptions and understandings that are colored by how we feel. Our magickal patterns are taught to start in the Know, move to Dare, onto Will, and then to Silence. Yet, in my experience, once you've learned a tool (or a set of tools), the patterns reverse themselves and magick starts to come from the Silence, into the blood of Daring, that then moves the Will, to pick up the tools you've gained and use them. Then the knowledge gained from the magickal results flows back into you, and the pattern goes back the other direction.

Yes, magick is like the DaVinci's Cradle ride at an amusement park.. and if you're working on a magickal operation, instead of being rocked back and forth through the elemental energies you become cycled through them in a spiral fashion until the end and the beginning no longer matter and you're walking a path that is an endless spiralling whirlpool of energies that are woven into everything and everyone that you touch.

Only pain wakes me up to the reality that I am human, disconnected from the people around me, separated in Malkuth from the divine essences that flow through these amazingly beautiful creatures.

The crack of a painful experience sends me shooting back down into my frightfully small physical body and leaves me curled up inside like a little girl, weeping in lonliness.

Up the tree we go, driven by the connection we have the universal energies that draw us up to what "could be"... and then *whack* the Gods kiss us with power and love and drive us back down the tree into ourselves and into a reality that bound by having one heart, one head, and four elements into which we push our wildest dreams.

Waiting to exhale

When magick works, it tends to come gently through like sunlight filtering through the trees in a shadowed wood. When magick works, it tends to follow threads and expectations that feel as natural as the way water flows over rocks in a stream. Yet, when magick works I'm always gently comforted by the surprise that I have been blessed so completely with the insight into how magick works.

Emotional connections this week feel like a California mudslide. They creep, and creep along... and then suddenly everything gathers together and they engulf everything in their path.. burying me and every percpetion that I have at once. Wow.

Venus and Uranus are currently conjunct in my 10th house, that transit is also conjunct my natal Chiron. That is where the mudslide analogy comes from. Uranus lends a bit of divine insight to every experience, Venus rules emotional connections, and of course Chiron is the master of painful experiences that become powerful lessons that shape who we are. Saturn's endless lesson while cojoining my natal Stellium in Virgo reminds me that nurturing myself and others is NO TRIVIAL TASK! Ok, Master Saturn I get it... don't trivialize what it takes to keep people safe.. no really, I GET IT!! *sigh* At least I've got old father Jupiter opposing my natal Jupiter with a healthy shot of the Sun to keep my bouyant. Saturn transits are so heavy.

I am waiting to exhale because Mercury is retrograde in my 8th house, crossing back over into my 9th house after it turns direct in a little over a week. This Mercury Retrograde has taught me to go back over unfinished projects and work on them. This is a good thing, and I am taking this lesson with me into the next Mercury retrograde in May. Among these unfinished projects is one that I've been working on since I started as a Priestess: shielding and how it impacts a psychic's ability to predict the emotional flow of a situation.

As I review my emotional connections this week, and face deep truths about the people that I have emotional connections with, I realize that I keep a bubble of energy around me almost unconsciously in situations where I feel emotionally connected to the people I'm with.. but oddly I don't keep one around me in situations where I feel NO emotional connection to the people I'm with.. and that's the exact opposite of what I need to be doing to stay healthy.

In situations where I am emotionally connected the people I'm with, I've been afraid that I will be pulled into someone's emotionall whirlpool and have it ruin my experience. But what I neglected to realize was that as my Reiki abilities grew, so too did my ability to ground myself and keep my emotional energies seperate from someone else's. In situations where I am NOT emotionally connected to the people around me, I left my shields down because I expected that my psychic abilities would be hampered by the sheilds and that a lack of emotional connection would keep me from being harmed by their negativity. AGAIN, I was wrong. I neglected to realize that I am an energy being and thus will be affected by my surroundings regardless of the emotional depth of my connections (Moon in the 12th house, Neptune in Scorpio in the 6th house).

The magickal workings of this week were to learn how I relate to my emotional connections and how to improve my relationship with them so that I am healthier emotionally (and thus physically). What I have learned:

1) Loving someone adds a great deal of emotional energy to a connection, so bringing my sheilds down allows that love to flow more freely even in times of pain. Keep my shields down around people that I love.
2) Trusting someone adds a great deal of astral space to a connection, keep my energies focused and light around people that I trust to allow the connection to grow as it will instead of trying to control it. Controlling a trustworthy connection is a waste of energy. Trust is an emotion based guideline.
3) Allowing my shields to come down around people who are NOT magickally attuned is just about the stupidest thing I can do, they are like toddlers with guns and will inflict deep wounds on my energy body. I will work on jacking up my psychic energies so that my abilities will work around "muggles" without me needing to bring down my sheilds.
4) Everyone who loves you pays the price for doing so, but they do so willingly because they love you.. don't try to compensate for that bill, it only cheapens the love.
5) Let joy in, if sadness follows immediatly behind it, then trust in my abilities to handle sadness... but don't block joy whenever it comes, or worry that sadness is on it's heels.. more often than not sadness is nowhere to be seen, and joy will expand without bound if allowed to do so.
6) Magick follows the heart, if your heart isn't honestly and truely involved in your magick.. then it will fizzle. If your heart is in it, then there is nothing to fear for your heart is the purest connection to the cosmic-divine love and will only guide you to the right path, the right answer, and the most healing waters for YOU.
7) Make friends as often as you can, because you never know when one will leave unexpectedly and you'll need the others to help you heal.

The ties that anchor, bind, and support

In the cool of the morning I sit and reflect upon the connections that I have right now. I wonder why I have chosen to let some die off and nurture others? Did I mistake someone's callousness for intentional harm? Did I misunderstand someone's curiosity and believe it to be adoration?

In magick we believe that we create our own realities. This extends far beyond the marvelous blend of energies that become rituals and into the simplest of choices: who to keep as friends and who to let float away on the river of time. In pondering the ties that anchor, bind, and support I wonder if my natal moon being in my 12th house has made it so that I cannot trust my heart's voice when it comes to choosing people to love? Or maybe because the 12th house rules the dissolution of boundaries I can trust my heart more than anything else to lead me to the purest sources of love and support?

As I pause to reflect upon the people who are in my life now, I wonder if I've missed some major clue in how to define what is good for me. They are not toxic people, nor are they people that I regret knowing, but they do not tend to understand my emotional self. I'm sure that everyone has met people in their lives who "just get them", right? You know, those people that when someone asks why you're smiling, you say "They just understand me, that's all." I wonder if even THAT perception is merely a by product of a reality that we create to make ourselves feel more comforted, more secure and supported? How can we trust our perceptions of emotional connections when they can be clouded by so many different things? Different things like: your state of mind at the time, the other person's state of mind, your mood, the circumstances in which you met, the first impressions that you had of each other... all of these can be influenced by so many things that in the end it all feels like a by-product of the Wyrd.

My current magickal process is about being aware of the emotional connections that I have, what they give me, and how I can be more honest about relating to them in ways that feed my spirit and my heart. Thus I am walking through both the current astrological transits, and my natal astrological chart to gain insight into how I pick my relationships.

Neptune rules illusion, fantasy, dreams.. Mercury rules communication, connections, clans, and commonalities or patterns. I have a Neptune-Mercury conjunction in Scorpio in my chart .. in my 6th house of service and health. This means that I am very affected physically by the type of people I surround myself with, that's a fairly serious implication from picking unhealthy connections.

The Moon rules emotions, intuition, and psychic energies. Having a natal Moon in Gemini means that dealing with my own feelings is a battle, nurturing the feelings of others is even more of a challenge, and being restless and curious all the time leaves me exhausted, lost, and often craving a quiet place of solitude where I can hear my own heart.

The ties that bind are those that bog me down with endless emotional drama. Relating to the world through the eyes of emotion for me is a curious thing at best, and a draining thing at worst. Yet, with balance the ties that bind can become the ties that anchor, and for someone with a Moon in Gemini that is a vital thing.

The ties that anchor are those that patiently wait while I dance the anxiety, irritability, and frustrations out of my system and simmer down to a point where I can easily exchange both ideas and emotional support. These blessed individuals don't take my mood swings personally, they don't over-react to my wild ideas, and they lovingly encourage me to flesh out the things that seem to reccur in my mental meanderings.

The ties that support are the ones that express value in what I have created and shared. These exciting people ask questions, explore ideas, and add information and insight to my endless mental adventures into the metaphysical.

Where, then, shall I plot a course for the people who will help me keep my inner worlds balanced and my outer worlds healthy and interesting?